Everything just happens over and over again. I plan on doing good, but only slip into old habits. I say that I am going to eat better, but then I eat more in one day than I had in the longest time. If I was strong, I would have done what I said I was going to do and just eat the chicken and veggies that I said I was going to. Instead I end up eating Chinese AND ice cream. What a mess. If I want to be a different person, I have to look at things in different ways. This way is just not getting me anywhere.

The eating wasn’t the only thing that held me back yesterday. I spent some time rubbing Sara’s back, which is fine. When I was done, I just ached for her to touch me. I tell her over and over again that it is fine, but then I almost get mad when she does not reciprocate. I know where she is. I do know more now than I ever did where she is. I get that the pain I caused her will not be cured with a backrub or 30. It might never be cured. I am still so selfish though. I try to let it go, and I did successfully last night, but there was a moment where she was unable to get comfortable, and I was just hoping that she was forcing herself to touch me. It is sad how much I want. It is the addiction. It may not manifest itself the way it did 13 months ago, but it is still there. It still wants me to be mad for not getting mine. I fight it, but I don’t change it. I haven’t prayed about it. I haven’t asked others for ways to alleviate my own issues. I haven’t even Googled it.

I will say that up until 5 months ago or so I would have been very pissed and could not have let it go. I am getting to a point that is better, but I still know that more needs to be done. I hate getting lazy and complacent. I feel it might be my worst trait. One that has fallen to the wayside more often than not in the past 2 years, but it still comes back. I love getting things done now. I feel a sense of accomplishment when things get done. Anxiety has gone down about getting things done.

Robert Frost once wrote, “The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   But I have promises to keep,   And miles to go before I sleep,  And miles to go before I sleep.” My addictions are the woods. If I want to keep my promises, I have to make it home. I cannot sit in the woods and just watch it snow. Miles to go. Am I on the right road? I do think so. But miles to go.