It sure is a rollercoaster. I am up and down and up and down. I did the one thing that I said I was going to do though which is being honest. Trying to be open is hard. I shared a dream with Sara this morning. I think it would have been better to tell her in person, but I think that just sharing at any point is more than what I would have done in the past. Still it seems weird to me to do so. There was no reason I had to tell her, except that it would have been on my mind every little bit. Now that I let it off of my chest, I let it go. It still could feel better, but I think I am dealing with fear that she is mad at me for having a dream that I could not control. I can see how she would be mad though, as if I had taken care of my addictions a long time in the past that I would not have had this dream at all. Still what can I do but move forward. I do see that my desire to change is going to be very difficult. I am surprised that honesty is such a big deal. I have felt for most of my life that I do not trust what people say, but only what they do. So many people show me things that are different from what they say. Students do the exact opposite of what they say, so I moved past that a long time ago. Either that or I just assumed people lied as much as I do. I guess those are things I need to work through. Things I need to figure out so that my view of the world makes sense again.