I have noticed something lately, and it is not something that I am happy with. Sugar is my enemy. I love it so much, but it tears me up. I can tell when I drink a pop it makes me want more. Pop, candy, food, whatever. I need to really actually face up to this and make a change in how I drink. If I am able to get past it, I really think I can drop the weight that I want to. Today I had a pop sitting in my fridge. I did a good job in not drinking it until lunch, but then at lunch I had a full meal. Something that would have done it had I been drinking water. I did not finish the pop immediately. All I had to do is go and put it back in the fridge. I could then have had it tomorrow. No, I decided that I needed something else. I looked for a granola bar. Luckily, I did not have one still. But I knew there were little cupcake things in the teacher’s lounge. Did I stay away? Nope, headed down there for my third of the day. Now if I was working out today, I am pretty sure the little things would have been more than the workout I would have done. Now since I will not be getting to the gym, I will just have those calories hiding in my belly. I know that they would not have been so tempting without the pop. I am going to resolve to only drink water when I eat for the rest of the week. Tea will be okay also. I have to be proactive in all of this if I want to change. I mean I do not go out and search things that will get my head wrong for the sex addiction. I do not need to be doing the same thing for the eating problems. I am staying off the Buy ,Sell, Trade on the card site I am on. It is the same thing. I know what the triggers are, I just have to apply them to everything. I think that as I learn more about myself I can finally learn to be who I set out to be. Maybe even more.
Today I am going to start a four part blog on the components of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) and how they apply to me. Hungry is the first letter, so obviously a great place to start, but also it is important, because it applies to me more than the other three. Yesterday I failed at controlling it. I didn’t get what I needed to start the day. I have been trying to do protein in the morning, because it has been getting me to lunch and not be a hangry asshole. But yesterday I did not have it and by noon I desired more than what I normally have. So I ran to Sonic and grabbed food. Not an overkill on the food, but then I ate my sandwich that I had made for myself. I had something else too before I left school. Just way too much. I got into the car to go to soccer practice and Sara had brought me a protein bar. I said no, but she said it will melt, so what do I do but eat it? Then after practice we met with her dad. We ate at Arby’s. I got a bigger meal than I needed, ate it all, then ate some of Sara’s fries. Think I was done? Nope, we decided to get ice cream, and of course I couldn’t say no. I know that it was not all just hunger, but it started there. I just cannot stop when I get hungry. I want more and more. I will eat a whole bag of gummy worms because the sugar gets me going. It disgusts me.
It sure is a rollercoaster. I am up and down and up and down. I did the one thing that I said I was going to do though which is being honest. Trying to be open is hard. I shared a dream with Sara this morning. I think it would have been better to tell her in person, but I think that just sharing at any point is more than what I would have done in the past. Still it seems weird to me to do so. There was no reason I had to tell her, except that it would have been on my mind every little bit. Now that I let it off of my chest, I let it go. It still could feel better, but I think I am dealing with fear that she is mad at me for having a dream that I could not control. I can see how she would be mad though, as if I had taken care of my addictions a long time in the past that I would not have had this dream at all. Still what can I do but move forward. I do see that my desire to change is going to be very difficult. I am surprised that honesty is such a big deal. I have felt for most of my life that I do not trust what people say, but only what they do. So many people show me things that are different from what they say. Students do the exact opposite of what they say, so I moved past that a long time ago. Either that or I just assumed people lied as much as I do. I guess those are things I need to work through. Things I need to figure out so that my view of the world makes sense again.
I am not as confident today as I was yesterday. I hate that, but I will deal with it. I have to be on top of my feelings though, because I know those will get me in trouble if I do not allow myself to feel them. I have been trying. I just do not know what most of them are when I feel them. I know sadness, but I cannot embrace it. I wish I knew joy more than I do. Maybe I should watch “Inside Out,” and see if I can work some things out with that. I need to grow inside myself, but it is hard, because I have never wanted to do so. I have always wanted things to be on my terms and in my own way. Maybe it is time to just let go and let God as they say at 12 step. It is so damn hard though to see past myself. Day by Day.
It does feel good to go with a post title that is not Day One. Feeling pretty healthy right now. I know it is only a few days, but right now it feels as good as it has in quite a long time. The amount of time that I have for other activities is also so increased when I am not in my addiction.
Let’s go back a few days. I was at the bottom. Sara told me it was over. There was no coming back. She wanted a divorce, she was getting the house ready to sell, it was over. I took Seth and headed for Hutchinson. I was going to go to the fair no matter if she was coming or not. The me that just left is the me that I have to be. It is being a man. Doing what is right for my family, even if it hurts. I did not want to leave, but I knew that this marriage was over. I knew that to go on, I would have to make steps forward for me and for Seth. She texted almost immediately and was pissed that I didn’t bring Seth back in to say goodbye. I had thought they had, and I didn’t want to wake her. I was trying to do the right thing. Obviously it was not the right thing. She called a minute or so later asking to talk to him. She told him to be good, etc. She then got on the phone with me. I apologized because I did not want to make her feel like I didn’t want him to say goodbye. I just wanted her to be able to go back to sleep. I got upset with her. I felt my feelings and conveyed them. I did what I needed to do for me. She stopped talking. I said bye and one of us hung up. About 15 minutes later, I got a text saying to come back and get her. She was waiting on the steps to come with us.
She told me that she was sorry for making us come back to get her. I told her it was not a big deal, that I wanted her to come, and it was better this way. She said she did not want to be missing anything. I asked how that was going to work when we were apart. She said that couldn’t happen. I stopped talking. I said what did she mean. She said she was not leaving. My heart leapt, but I had no idea what to say. I stayed quiet for quite a while. She asked me if I was not going to say anything, and I started in on how I am going to be different. We talked for most of the way to Hutch. Some was good, some was bad, some was in between. We are going to counseling and that has me excited. I have wanted to go for quite a long time. I am hoping that someone on the outside can help us to become a better couple. I am going to keep writing, go back to individual therapy more often, and keep trying to go to 12 step group at least once a week. I am going to try to sell my cards. I am going to get better at money.
Most of all, I have to talk to Sara. I have to let her know what is going on in my head. I have to be real with her. Some part of each day needs to be addressing what is going on with me, or with us, or even within her. The addiction does not get to win. Maybe I have been a loser for most of my life, but that does not continue as of 4 days ago. There might be another day one at some point in the future, but I am going to work to keep it as far away as possible.
I am hopeful with this title, but that is all that I can be hopeful about. I am pretty sure that I lost my life yesterday due to my addiction and my lies that go along with it. I bought cards again. I spent so much money on this stupid kiddie hobby. I need help, and I will get it, but I think that this time it might actually be too late. Sara says the only reason she will stay is that she does not want to break Seth’s heart. Not really a glowing endorsement of me being able to change. It also sounds like she will stay until he is old enough to be okay with it, and then she will move on. I told her last night that I felt she was perfect for me, but I get confused about what is real and what is the addiction. I see myself as a person who is just fine. I do not see the pain that I am causing when I am doing it. I just feel the need for things. Whether they be toys, or sex, or food, they are my comforts. I spent last night at the 12 step meeting discussing how I have become numb to all feelings. I mean I hurt right now. BAD! It still doesn’t feel real. I thought I was making progress in one area, but it was not enough to open up with how I was feeling. I want to try to open up, but I find myself doing dumb things and then lying about them. Eating out and lying to Sara about it. That hasn’t happened often, but at least once. Card shopping feels like what I suppose drug addicts feel. I wonder if I will go through a withdrawl period. We will see very soon.
There was a day that I was sure that I was caught. I had been on a messenger quite a few years ago, and I talked to a “prostitute.” I gave my number, and immediately got a call. It was a guy demanding money. I hung up on him. He threatened that the police would be on my doorstep within minutes. I was so scared. It was pouring out, and I just drove. I thought that when I came back there would be police at my house and my life was over. How did that not scare me enough to not continue doing things like that? I just do not know what could possess me that I would keep doing things that were against what I said I wanted. I sat down with Sara last night and felt the same way. I know what I want. I know that I want her and I want Seth, but I keep showing them the opposite. I feel entitled like she told me last night. I feel that if I do things around the house, if I support the both of them that it gives me the right to continue to do things on my own. It does not.
I want to move forward with Sara, but I think she will never feel that way again. If we stay together, it will be as coparents. I will deal with that. I am here to stick it out. Gary Allan sings, ” I’ve been a wild catter, and a go-go getter, Been an S.O.B. right down to the letter, I’ve had misadventures, I’ve even got pictures, I’m even more than I can stand, But startin’ today, all I’m gonna be is her man.” I know that I am not going to be able to be “Her Man,” but maybe I can try to at least change it to “All I’m gonna be is a man.” I think that is where I need to go.
Is it a change in scenery like I have asked for multiple times? Is it a change of living arrangements? A new job? Is it increased counseling? I think it will be a combination of many thing that allows me to be a man. One of the guys last night said that we are all little boys trying to become men. I don’t know if he meant all men in general or just those in recovery, but to me I feel it is all men. All I know is that I am moving forward. No more Day Ones.
Everything just happens over and over again. I plan on doing good, but only slip into old habits. I say that I am going to eat better, but then I eat more in one day than I had in the longest time. If I was strong, I would have done what I said I was going to do and just eat the chicken and veggies that I said I was going to. Instead I end up eating Chinese AND ice cream. What a mess. If I want to be a different person, I have to look at things in different ways. This way is just not getting me anywhere.
The eating wasn’t the only thing that held me back yesterday. I spent some time rubbing Sara’s back, which is fine. When I was done, I just ached for her to touch me. I tell her over and over again that it is fine, but then I almost get mad when she does not reciprocate. I know where she is. I do know more now than I ever did where she is. I get that the pain I caused her will not be cured with a backrub or 30. It might never be cured. I am still so selfish though. I try to let it go, and I did successfully last night, but there was a moment where she was unable to get comfortable, and I was just hoping that she was forcing herself to touch me. It is sad how much I want. It is the addiction. It may not manifest itself the way it did 13 months ago, but it is still there. It still wants me to be mad for not getting mine. I fight it, but I don’t change it. I haven’t prayed about it. I haven’t asked others for ways to alleviate my own issues. I haven’t even Googled it.
I will say that up until 5 months ago or so I would have been very pissed and could not have let it go. I am getting to a point that is better, but I still know that more needs to be done. I hate getting lazy and complacent. I feel it might be my worst trait. One that has fallen to the wayside more often than not in the past 2 years, but it still comes back. I love getting things done now. I feel a sense of accomplishment when things get done. Anxiety has gone down about getting things done.
Robert Frost once wrote, “The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.” My addictions are the woods. If I want to keep my promises, I have to make it home. I cannot sit in the woods and just watch it snow. Miles to go. Am I on the right road? I do think so. But miles to go.
I am not sure how this will be done, and I am sure that no one will ever really read this, but I am not sure that anyone needs to. I just want to write about my problems in a way that I am holding myself accountable.
I feel like I am an addict in so many different ways: food, shopping, sex, just to name a few. They have been present basically every since I can remember. I have always had something that I just wanted more of. I can go awhile without one or the other or even all of them for short periods of time, but at the end of the day something makes me want them more. I have been in therapy for a little over two years now. I have been attending a 12 step group for a little over a year. I have learned many things about myself, but I am not happy with the progress that I have made. I still want to be lazy. I still want to buy things for myself that I do not need. I still crave that Snickers bar, when I am not hungry. I still want sex when it is not going to happen.
I think my mom was aware of my issues early on. I would collect baseball cards. I had to have more. Every single time we went to the store, I wanted to buy some. If she told me two packs, I would get three and say that I didn’t hear her right. I learned to lie early and often. It was so easy to blame things on other people and to just say that I wasn’t sure. I then moved on from baseball cards to CDs. I had so many, but I always wanted more. I loved Tuesdays because I could go and get new CDs from the store. I worked hard in college, but I wasted all that money on things like CDs. I never saved. Only spent. It moved back to baseball cards by the time that I finished college. It still happens to this day. I have spent more money on cards that I have on a car. I sell and buy, buy and sell. It is a vicious cycle.
Food never started out as an issue for me, but I knew by the time I started high school that I would be in trouble by the end of high school. I noticed that every summer I gained quite a bit of weight. I was not working out in school or playing anything but baseball in the summers. I was right. I am sure that it was not the Freshman 15, but probably the Freshman 30 for me. I started college at 180. I left it close to 230. The eating did not stop after college. At my highest I was weighing 260. That means I basically gained half of myself. I have dropped some weight, but I am still too heavy for where I want to be. I feel that people who are heavy are highly discriminated against. It is easy to make fun of others for being overweight. I feel like I am still skinny, like I was in high school, but any picture that I see of my body tells me otherwise. I remember my high school cross country coach once told me that he ate to live, while I knew even at that points that I lived to eat.
Addiction and Me 